Thank you all for the messages… I’ve missed you too and no, my blog isn’t ending. 🙂 I’ve been away for a bit to focus on my family. We have teens with jobs and cars this summer and everyone is in camp, so we are busier than during school.
We’ve had a lot going on and it’s been good and bad so I’ll fill you in on what I’ve been up to… Just when communications with my ex were improving, his wife gets involved and it’s a new sh*t show. Then communications on the other side were looking promising and the sh*t show returned there as well. I’m certain that dealing with toxic is just going to be the norm while our children are still minors (6.5 years to go). I can do this! It will take a lot of Jesus but it can be done.
I feel I have read more in the past 4 years than I have in my whole life. It’s a great way to gain more knowledge and have some “me time” to escape reality for a bit. I have studied step-parenting, blending families, child psychology and the Bible. I’m in stepmom and biomom clubs I didn’t even know were a thing! If there’s one thing all this reading has done, it’s taught me that I AM NOT ALONE. I am so grateful for that.
As a biomom, I haven’t found a lot of books supporting this role because we’re the ones that seem to get the reputation for being high-conflict, being overly jealous, not disciplining our children or not obeying court orders. I can understand this and see it on the other side, in my experience, but we’re not all that way. I’ve learned there are lots of biomoms that have dealt with some of the same scenarios and regardless of forgiveness or effort, are completely disrespected by the person that is spending 1/2 their time influencing your children.
In my opinion, there is no excuse for the added conflict and the children should come first. We, as adults, have to be mature about how situations are handled and since there aren’t a lot of resources supporting decent Biomoms, I’d like to give some examples of behaviors that could contribute to conflict and, if all are willing, can be easily resolved for moving forward.
🚫 If you were chasing your current husband while he was married to the biomom – your relationship will be strained from that. Almost all women can agree that’s never ok.
🚫 If you were present during the divorce and included yourself in the ugliness during the initial separation – your relationship will be strained from that.
🚫 If you communicate to the biomom through the husbands text or email – your relationship will be strained from that. If you want to say your piece, do what you need to do from your own phone or email account because you aren’t fooling anyone.
🚫 If you have never attempted to speak to the biomom since your relationship with her ex started – there is no relationship.
🚫 If you speak negatively about biomom directly to the children – you are wrecking many relationships there.
🚫 If your step-children need to go to a doctor, your help might be needed, but the biomom should be involved. They are the ones that have medical history on the children and your minimal knowledge cannot detail what the doctors need to know.
🚫 If you are a biomom yourself and you choose to give your young daughter alcohol, don’t assume that decision is appropriate for your stepchildren. Illegal activities can put a serious strain on any co-parenting relationship.
🚫 If you are insecure in your marriage and your husband isn’t the one who wanted the divorce, that is not the fault of the biomom. Blaming her for your insecurities will cause a strain on your relationship. Most Biomoms are grateful for you and know exactly what you deal with daily, so some even have some sympathy for your struggles.
🚫 If your step-children are kind, well-mannered, loving and respectful, they have been taught well. Appreciate the stress that saves your blended family and show some grace to biomom for that effort.
🚫 No one is expecting you to be “Best Friends”, but if you are not capable of basic communication and decency, do not be surprised if there’s conflict.
🚫 If you cannot be in the same place as the biomom, you have issues, especially if she has always been fine in your presence.
Many Biomoms want what’s best for their children and lots of us are thankful for more people in their lives that love them. Lots of Biomoms have zero jealousy when it comes to their ex and have chosen to go through a divorce knowing they would be better off. We should all know that no 2 women raise their kids the same (that’s a fact), but each woman in a blended family scenario has a place where they can add value and should know it. Lots of Biomoms forgive on a daily basis and, while we’re all human and slipup on occasion, can genuinely forgive and move on like anybody else.
Kids these days have more anxiety, more depression and more stress than we ever have and I blame parents that cannot figure it out. The kids deserve so much more!! They deserve to be kids and do kid things. Be mindful of what you contribute, recognize when you make a mistake, own up to those mistakes and forgive. If any of these examples apply to you, allow the forgiveness you are given and be grateful to have someone willing to work it out on the other side.