Bullying not allowed

Today I had a discussion with my attorney and unfortunately will be going to court in the future.  If I have learned one thing through all of this it is not to allow bullying.

Throughout the past 16 years, I have been bullied by my husband/ex-husband.  Funny, I always thought (and he always told me) I was the controlling one.  I thought if I was agreeable and if I tried my hardest to work with him, he would eventually get tired and just want what’s best for our daughters.  That has not happened.

It has been almost 1 year since our divorce and I think our communication is getting worse.  I will never understand the need to continue to be mean?  We have 2 beautiful children together that depend on us working together. I have tried my best and while I’m not giving up, I’m not going to let him run all over me any longer.

I deserve the peace of knowing I’m doing the right thing, I also deserve the peace of knowing I stood my ground and didn’t back down when my heart hurts from all the back and forth.

I’m sad today because I should be the one that angry, I should be the one that’s mad and mean, but I’m the one wanting to do what’s best for all.  I don’t want anyone to hurt and especially not the girls.  I wish everyone felt the same.

Opening my heart even if it’s really hard

Today I’m opening my heart to my ex’s new wife.  She has not been kind to me recently, but it is so important for our girls to have all of us.  We may not agree on everything, we may live extremely different lives, but we are both mothers.

Tomorrow is “mornings with mom” for my youngest.  I have invited her to join us.  It’s an open request that may or may not be answered, but at least it’s out there.

Some of the hardest decisions are usually the right ones and I do feel good about it.  My efforts may not be recognized by anyone, but I know my heart is in the right place and that’s all that matters. Love has lots of different forms and I am experiencing all of them.

No Response Needed

Today I received a text from my ex with another opinion of something I’m doing.  I chose not to respond at all.  I’ve come to the realization that I enjoy my day and my life so much more when I don’t allow someone else to determine my happiness.

I love the decisions I’m making now, I am enjoying life and I do not need his approval. It’s liberating to be away from the control and be able to ignore the constant negativity.

Today was a great day.  The girls and I are happy and ready for the next chapter.

National Women’s Day

Today I feel excited for my opportunities, proud of my accomplishments and I feel it is necessary for me to stand up for those that don’t have the strength or the courage to stand up for themselves.  

Whoever you are, wherever you are, you are not alone!  You are smart, you are beautiful, you have the power to be and do whatever you want.  Your thoughts control your actions and, if just for a moment, I pray you have the confidence to know your worth. Don’t change your values to gain approval from others.  Enjoy your day and know you are very special!

Creating boundaries and setting expectations…

When you’ve been in an abusive relationship, you become the “helper”.  You try everything you can to make things better so he will be happy and not need drugs or alcohol to feel better.

I was the fixer.  My world revolved around everyone else’s happiness and his mood and/or influences.  As a mother, this is just what we do, but this is not what I signed up for as a wife.  After 3 years of dating and 13 years of marriage, I gave up.  I couldn’t live that life anymore.  I had daughters to think of… would I want them dating someone with addictions?  would I want them being with someone that couldn’t control their anger? Did I want to continue sacrificing my confidence, my values and my strength to maybe make someone happy short term? The answer was NO!  I had to make changes… I want our girls to see a respectful relationship, I want them to feel happiness without the outside influences, I don’t want them tfor be scared.

Unfortunately, I did what most other women in my shoes do… I got into a similar relationship.  I guess I just wanted someone there because I ignored all the signs.  It was terrible, it didn’t help the girls and it certainly didn’t help me.

When I ended that relationship, I made a vow to myself and the girls to never put any of us in a situation like that again.  I had certain standards, I set boundaries and someone would have to be really special to enter our lives.  In the meantime, I only allowed myself to be with positive influences, I focused on friends and our beautiful girls.

Perseverance past pain

Every day is a new struggle when you are divorced with children.  When there are deep wounds from that relationship, it is even more painful.  

My biggest challenge is not allowing the girls to see the struggle. On sad days, that is the hardest because they know me and want to understand what’s wrong.  On mad days, I can’t let them see that either and/or take it out on them.  I find myself internalizing a lot of it or confiding in wonderful friends.  I have surrounded myself with amazing, uplifting people and I feel that is the key.  You have to talk to someone and it has to remain positive. Sure you can vent, but you have to be redirected.

If you don’t have this close circle, start building it now, they will be key in ensuring you persevere and they will hold you accountable if the enemy tries to bring you down to their level.  It’s easy to be combative and return evil with evil, but your character will suffer and so will your children because they can see your struggle.