When you’ve been in an abusive relationship, you become the “helper”. You try everything you can to make things better so he will be happy and not need drugs or alcohol to feel better.
I was the fixer. My world revolved around everyone else’s happiness and his mood and/or influences. As a mother, this is just what we do, but this is not what I signed up for as a wife. After 3 years of dating and 13 years of marriage, I gave up. I couldn’t live that life anymore. I had daughters to think of… would I want them dating someone with addictions? would I want them being with someone that couldn’t control their anger? Did I want to continue sacrificing my confidence, my values and my strength to maybe make someone happy short term? The answer was NO! I had to make changes… I want our girls to see a respectful relationship, I want them to feel happiness without the outside influences, I don’t want them tfor be scared.
Unfortunately, I did what most other women in my shoes do… I got into a similar relationship. I guess I just wanted someone there because I ignored all the signs. It was terrible, it didn’t help the girls and it certainly didn’t help me.
When I ended that relationship, I made a vow to myself and the girls to never put any of us in a situation like that again. I had certain standards, I set boundaries and someone would have to be really special to enter our lives. In the meantime, I only allowed myself to be with positive influences, I focused on friends and our beautiful girls.