An Open letter to my abusive ex… YOU WIN!


Dear Ex:

We just recently completed a few sessions of joint counseling to put our amazing girls first and it was nothing short of a disaster.  We have been divorced now for 1 1/2 years and it is clear to me now that your anger will most likely never go away regardless of what it does to you or how it affects our babies.  I have accepted this, but it doesn’t make it any easier.

I loved you and supported you for who I knew you could be.  I believed in you.  I knew you were better than the company you work for who doesn’t appreciate your dedication, I knew you were fighting demons from long before you met me and your addictions were self medication, I knew there were issues of abuse throughout your family and I accepted you anyway, I knew you had a big heart for others and always knew you would see mine someday.  I know you are a good guy and you have lots of potential, but you are going to allow your ego, your pride and your demons to take over our lives and the damage will be irreplaceable.

When I chose to file for divorce and finally put an end to our tumultuous marriage, I just wanted us to work together, for you to be present and sober in our girls’ lives and for both of us to be happier.  It is clear that none of these have occurred. You have managed to continue the turmoil and, in fact, make it worse. It is abundantly clear that you are not happy and you are still vaguely present with our girls.  So my conclusion to this is… YOU WIN!

You win the ability to continue to think your abusive behaviors affect my life.  You win the lack of respect that is coming your way when our girls grow up and realize who you truly are and what you’ve allowed yourself to become.  You win a new wife who is exactly like you and will never leave you no matter how you treat her, she will continue to enjoy interfering and her unhappiness and mistrust in you will create additional issues for all involved.   You win bonus children that have been raised in ways you and I would have never allowed – and all that comes with that.  You win the deceits you so adamantly claim are truths and the right to live a lie forever.  You win the drug dispute just as you have over the past 18 years.  You win the ability to not reach your full potential while surrounding yourself with no one that will challenge you.  You win a new set of friends that only know you as you are now.  You win your image and all that you have done to disguise it.  You win the exact life you had hoped for.

I just have one question and I’ll leave you to live that life to the fullest… IF you were so miserable with me and IF you have everything you ever wanted now, why continue the anger?  Why have any issues toward me at all?  I have done everything you have requested and I have given up on all of those expectations and dreams I had for you.  Prior to our sessions, I was still holding onto the thought that you could still pull through for our girls’ sake.  I will never put those expectations out there again.  I give up and while years may diminish the anger and animosity to allow our girls some peace, I’m not holding my breath.

I would like to Thank You for this weight that is now lifted off my shoulders.  Never before have I felt such harmony in my life and the ability to move forward without disappointment.  Things always happen for a reason and I can focus on what’s truly important.  You may have won this battle, but you didn’t gain anything from winning.  I can live with that.



Serving others…

Most days we can get bogged down in our own struggles, our own worries and our own tasks.  Today, I challenge you to serve others by putting their needs above yours.  It can be a loved one, co-worker, friend, ex or stranger. 

Rick Rigsby once said that “ego is the anesthesia that deadens the pain of stupidity” and I firmly believe that.  Ego is a sense of self-esteem or self importance.  Notice the word “self” twice in that definition.  You cannot have a huge ego and be thinking about others.  You cannot be concerned with your self importance and have a serving heart. And if you are concerned with your ego, your stupidity will prevail.

Serving others is something I discuss with our children daily.  Kids can be so self-absorbed these days, they forget there are others in need.  We volunteer, we pray for giving hearts and we practice random acts of kindness.  We do not do these for recognition, we simply do them to see the joy in others and build our character to realize what’s truly important.

I have always had a heart to serve others.   In my teenage years, it disappeared with my own anger and resentment for certain things occurring in my life.  During my terrible marriage, it was absent again when I was told daily I “had no heart”… I actually believed that for a while. I feel like it’s only in the past few years that I have been able to reach my full serving potential and see that no matter how someone treats me, I will do my best to serve them and I expect our girls to do the same.  Some people will not understand – they may think you have an “agenda,” just love them through it.  If someone doesn’t accept your grace, that’s on them – don’t let their behavior take away the joy of simple acts of kindness. They may never see your heart due to their hurt.

One of my favorite things to hear from my fiancé is “I love your heart.”  He has a huge servant heart and I strive each day to be more like him.  You are what you consistently do.  Make it a habit to Serve and Love others.  Maybe your children will catch you and grow up to do the same.