The definition of Intimacy is a close familiarity or friendship; closeness; a private, cozy atmosphere; sexual intercourse. You can have sex without intimacy and if it’s confined to your marriage, it can make you feel even more lonely. In my previous marriage of 13 years, sex was never absent. In fact, it was a daily occurrence, but intimacy was never there.
There is a huge difference when you have true intimacy and when you don’t. The loneliness is constant when it is not there and nothing you can do will bring it back when dealing with an addict no matter how hard you try. You can be honest, loyal, giving, kind and understanding and it won’t matter. Trust me when I say this, if Intimacy is lacking or completely absent, your marriage is in trouble. Just know this, you cannot make him be honest, you cannot make him be loyal and you cannot make him want that private comfort with you. They have to want it too and doing that makes them completely vulnerable – some people are incapable of this type of closeness. Their insecurities will create insecurities in you and it will take some time to figure all that out and realize it’s not you.
For me, it took many years. I dealt with a lot. I’m even finding out lies now from 10 years ago…it’s heartbreaking to know I gave and trusted him with so much with nothing in return. I thought because we had a good sex life that we were good – lots of marriages fail because of sexual needs not being met, right? This might be true, but I would be willing to bet that more marriages fail due to lack of true intimacy or the complete absence of it. If you are unwilling to reveal exactly who you are and what you are about, you are not being fair to your partner/spouse. If you think keeping secrets of any kind is beneficial to your relationship, you are sadly mistaken.
When you experience true intimacy, you will realize how amazing and simple your relationship can be. The mutual respect between two people who love each other despite their faults, is amazing. Sex can be good without intimacy, but it can be better than you could have ever imagined with true intimacy. Wait for it. Don’t settle for good. Expect more for yourself and enjoy the private, cozy atmosphere with a partner/spouse who truly loves, respects and adores you enough to be honest and let you in.