A Letter to the bonus-mom of our girls…

As you know, the past few weeks have been extra tough.  I have wanted to tell you exactly what I think about your decisions, who you are as a person and role-model for all the children in your home and help you see what I see and feel.  Thankfully, I have never approached you about our disagreements and here’s why:

While you don’t know me and have never taken time to get to know me, I can still appreciate what we DO agree on and that is taking care of the girls.

You came into our daughter’s world during our divorce and were engaged to their dad shortly after and married to their dad within 6 months.  This was a lot for them to take on and overall, they handled it well.  I have let you know how thankful I am for you and let them know that they are lucky to have multiple people that love and care for them.  You have been warm, loving and have went out of your way to make sure they were comfortable and happy.

It has been 2 years since your marriage and aside from a few bumps in the road (i.e. step-sibling disagreements, moving, etc.), they are still doing quite well.  You buy them clothes, take them shopping, fix their hair, pack lunches, do laundry and drive all over making sure they are where they need to be. They truly are lucky to have you.  I have raised them to be decent, kind, loving, appreciative girls and will always expect them to respect you and appreciate all that you do.

While I am very grateful for all of these, please know that they are still hurting.  While they have almost everything a child could need, they do not have parents that can be in the same room without tension.  I am not blaming you for this, but I know that you could contribute to the solution some day.  I am a realist and with the recent tensions, DHS involvement due to illegal activities and your need to bring my husband’s ex and family into the dynamic unnecessarily, we have a long road to go for resolving this for the girls.  I am open and always have been.  I am willing to put these things aside and allow our girls to have parents that are cordial.  We do not have to agree (we are divorced for a reason and agreements aren’t always going to happen), but we do need to come to some realization that enough is enough.  I don’t hate you and I don’t hate my ex and I will never teach hate to our girls.

I have been doing and will continue to do these things in order to resolve some of the conflicts and ensure that your life has added value when our girls are involved and that you do not hurt or struggle where they are concerned:

  • They will always be able to contact you and their dad through text or phone calls as I see the value in your relationships and will nurture them – always.
  • They will share their location with you and their dad so if you ever have a worry, you can locate them.
  • They will be required to show you and the rest of the family respect at all times.
  • They are asked to be kind to their step-siblings regardless of the situation.
  • They are asked to use manners – always.
  • They are asked to follow your rules and maintain the household harmony.
  • They are asked to show gratitude and know they are blessed.
  • They are expected to show you the same amount of love and effort that you show them.
  • I will continue to ensure communication is open and important details, memories, travel arrivals/departures, photos and information is shared.
  • I will continue to place value on celebrating you on special occasions by taking the girls to buy you gifts and show you they care.
  • I will be present at the majority of their events and am open to sitting together to show them we are adults and they don’t have to choose who to run to first for their hugs and approval.
  • I will include or invite you to important activities to allow our girls the best of both worlds.
  • I will refrain from speaking of my disagreements with you and my ex in front of the girls.  (I have done this the majority of the time except for recently and I know this is wrong).
  • I will introduce you to my husband and encourage a relationship there since he has been in my life for 2 years as well and you nor my ex have never met or spoken to him.
  • I will continue to offer my assistance with all of the children when the need arises as I understand how difficult it is to not live in town and have 4 kids with different schools and activities.
  • Our home is always open to you, your children and my ex.
  • I will continue to uphold certain expectations for the girls and would appreciate you upholding them too.  They are simple – Good Grades (A’s and B’s), no delinquent behavior, hard work, kindness, respect, appropriate language, appropriate attire, cleanliness (both hygiene and their environment), following rules in both households, be allowed to make mistakes, doing good deeds daily, discipline when necessary and lots of love.

When all is said and done, life is short and should not be this difficult.  The drama is exhausting and so is the constant tension.  If I haven’t told you enough that your efforts have not gone unnoticed, now you know.  I am grateful for you and all that you offer our girls.  I want them to have everything and not to hurt in any way.  You have my number and I welcome any suggestions you have as well.  Our girls deserve the best we can offer them and I promise to do my part.


The other Mom

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When do the good people win?

Over the past few weeks I have asked myself this question over and over…

As you can tell by this blog, I am a giver. I love helping others and I will give and give even when I get nothing in return. BUT… this question keeps popping in my head when times get tough and we have seen our fair share of tough lately.

My husband and I put our kids first always…

We live in separate homes, in separate cities in order for our girls to remain in their school districts with less life disruption due to our adult choices – while their other parents choose to live wherever they like.

We schedule our work and date nights accordingly so the majority of our attention can be with and on the girls when they are with us – their other parents do not.

We have rules and expectations for school, behavior, treating others with respect and decency for anyone they come into contact with – including their other parents. While their other parents negate every rule we have and allow inappropriate behavior, mistreatment of others on top of influencing and providing drugs and/or alcohol.

We accommodate schedules with no reluctance when there is a need while fighting to maintain composure when the same is NEVER returned.

We consistently pay to support our kids in many areas and actually get threats when something is not “fair” if paid by the other parents. We keep track of everything and that is necessary under our circumstances.

We try to avoid drama when other parents create it unnecessarily and get the children involved.

When pondering all the things we do and don’t do, I find I’ve answered my own question… we ARE winning and good people do get the BEST in the end.

Our children all see exactly who we are and what we do (even our guardian angel in heaven). They are teens and pre-teens and we won’t get it right all the time (maybe only a portion of the time), but they know we’re doing our best and putting them first.

Our exes are angry and have every right to be – they both had “givers” that gave up on them. They are self-absorbed, dishonest people with no character and deserve the lives they have made for themselves. We have won BIG finding each other because we both give whole-heartedly and we are fully transparent. We are true to ourselves and each other and there is no bigger compliment than support and consistent love over all. We make each other better and we will be the consistent source in creating “givers” out of our girls regardless of their influences. We know it could be easier, but these are the cards we were dealt and it only matters how you play them.

We are grateful for the storms because they draw us closer to each other, closer to God and help us see the real picture. I hope you can see where you’re winning when trials come your way. Choose character over the chaos and you will find…Good people DO WIN every single day!